| | Current Music: | NOTHING! | | Time: | 01:24 pm | | Current Mood: | bored |
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| I haven't updated in a long time, so here goes. Ignore everything else besides this post because all of that angst crap is just lame. I'm not emo, I swear. I SWEAR! Reading that shit makes me want to vomit, so I think I'll be starting a new journal here soon. (You're excited, I know.)
Jeana had her baby, and she's adorable, and I love her to bits. Dezeray (Desiree, only spelt like it sounds...) Mechelle; my goddaughter/niece. She's being TRAINED to call me 'Aunt Ju' so I hope she doesn't grow up with a Wannabe-Hitler complex and try to kill me. She's five weeks old (yesterday!) and she likes to use my chest as a headrest. How cute <3
I think Jeana and Lance are going to get married. Not anytime soon, but she brought that up into conversation the other day. Random, "You're going to be my maid of honor, okay?" So long as you don't put me into a yellow dress!
Everything else is mediocre. Eric got out of rehab (again) so he's back with Lisa and Rachel. Rachel's starting REAL school next year, so... We're all excited. She calls me 'Mom' and it pisses Lisa off so bad. Aaaah, kids. I love and hate them and the same time.
Kat needs to send me that game so I have something to do. WHERE IS THE KATTEN? WO? WO??
I'm done! *wave*
OH, DID I MENTION MY BROTHER -- WHO IS 21 -- STILL LIVES IN THE ROOM THAT SHOULD BE MINE? 'CAUSE HE DOES, AND HE NEEDS TO GET THE HELL OUT AND GO TO COLLEGE AND NOT BE A BUM. OKAY, THANKS.
Now I'm really done. | comments: 11 comments or Leave a comment   |
| UGH, AND I'M SO DAMN EMO! Jesus Christ, I won't even begin to explain myself because that'll just accentuate the emo-ness that I am harboring. I want to talk to someone who will just nod their head and go, "Uh-huh. Oh yeah? Man, that sucks." every so often, but I'm so damn paranoid that it'll get back to my therapists or mother that it's... I'm backed into this corner, you know? I'd up and fucking die if they read this. But this is all I have. Paper journals -- no. Poetry -- I've been down that angst-y ass road. So, now I have this. I wish I could hurl this across the room and outside the window but I don't think my weakling little arms could lift the monitor from the floor...
ERRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I always say I'll update this thing and I never do. I'm so fucking predictable, aren't I? I'm suddenly reminded why I hate laptops because they are so damn hard to type on, and there are so many people walking in and out of this damn room and it's driving me crazy, and all I wanted to do this weekend was celebrate Kelli's eighteenth birthday and act like a total dork at the Renaissance Festival and watch movies and be normal and have fun and be a teenager for once, but I can't because I'm needed elsewhere.
If I can live one single month of my life where a baby isn't born or someone doesn't die or a friendship isn't totally FUCKED, then... I don't know what I would do. My world would collapse in on itself and my head would implode, and my heart would stop BEATING because I wouldn't know what to do with myself if something wasn't going wrong. I thrive on being depressed and near-death and exhausted and rejected and SAD because I don't KNOW anything else. I've got bills up the ASS that I can't pay for, a family I want to fucking MURDER in their sleep, and I feel like SCREAMING until my lungs just EXPLODE because I'm so frustrated at everyone and everything. I want to get in my car and find a brick wall and drive STRAIGHT into it because I HATE this bullshit. And I hate guys, and I fucking HATE girls, and I hate my God damn mother for being so FAKE, and I hate that I'm a godmother, and I don't want this damn life anymore.
Someone trade places with me. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I should've come back to update here, but I've been incredibly busy. I'm ... sane now, for the most part, as I switched medications and the side affects aren't affecting me quite so much anymore. Now comes the period of waiting around for something horrible to come along to see just how I react to it. Lovely, eh?
Senior year in two weeks. Ugh... Shoot me in the face. I want high school to be over -- no more stupid ass drama, no more stupid ass idiots to deal with, no more NOTHING... Just college, then real life, and moving out of this pathetic excuse for a home. Thank God. Thank... God.
I'm so overwhelmed with the thought of escaping! There's this knot in my chest, and my heart's beating like crazy. Am I really that excited? Or am I just really grateful? Or both, maybe.
I'll come back soon and say hello. <3 | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | I can't help but feel like my entire life has been a complete waste, and the longer I go on living, the worse the feeling gets; the more profound it is, the more it hurts to wake up in the morning. Three bad weeks and I'm ready to give everything up. -- That has to be some kind of new record for me or something, but I can honestly say I don't have anything to live for. Saying that is depressing, as it is pathetic, but I'm so depressed I can't think straight. I haven't cried so much in years. I haven't felt this lost in years. And I've shitted away so many friendships that I don't have any shoulders left to cry on. I'm checking myself back into Crittenton; I have no idea how long I'll be gone, but it's safe to assume it'll be for a while. I can't help myself, maybe they can. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | You're a number in a system that never has -- and never will -- work, no matter how many lies you've been told. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So, yeah. Random thoughts time. I'm just sitting here in the computer (VB) lab... Eating Sun Chips... Drinking water... Getting ready to mess Dusty up with his flash flash revolution game. I'm thinking about leaving school early; it's way too nice to be inside. The high's supposed to be eighty something today. Yay... Pre-Summer heat.
I miss Damien and Brian.
... Bell just rang. Gotta go. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | flash flash revolution music coming from dusty's computer | | Subject: | yawn. | | Time: | 11:22 am | | Current Mood: | exhausted |
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| I'm quite tired.
.. That is all. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Funerals are quite sad. Well.. sad isn't the word I'd use to describe them accurately; they're melancholy. I've been to at least seven in the past two years -- mostly friends, but I guess that's normal in high school -- and they always leave me feeling really tired. Not tired, but out of it. Y'know, when you're "there" but it doesn't feel like you're "there"? It's like that.
Tuesday was the first time I actually cried at one, which felt.. Strange. Foreign. I didn't even know I was crying until Cynthia dropped a few Kleenex in my lap. I was just sitting there, staring at the casket, trying to picture Damien's -- my "friend" who died -- body lying there all still and pristine in clothes he probably never would've worn in life. I must've been tired, because I kept picturing his body toppling out into the front row of pews. That would've been funny -- seeing a bunch of emotionally scarred, teenage girls spazz out and try to push a half-naked corpse off of them. Ha.
Yeah, that's pretty sick.. But Damien and I were like that together. We were weird together, and we didn't judge each other for saying whatever we thought. Before I moved here, he and I were close. Really close. I won't get into the gory details of our relationship, but we parted on really bad terms and I never spoke to him again after we split up.. Yet, his mother still felt compelled to invite me to his funeral; she even offered to let me sit beside her in the family section.
I declined, obviously. That would've been too awkward.
For me, not her.
The priest didn't know what he was talking about. They never seem to know what they're talking about.
Don't think I'm going to school tomorrow. I need some sleep.
Edit: I need a paid account. LJ pages are loading so God damn slow. *searches for a credit card*
[/choppyness] | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | enigma - boum-boum | | Time: | 11:33 am | | Current Mood: | tired |
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| Sooo..
I came here to update for a reason, but now that I'm actually here, I forgot what I wanted to say.
Don't do drugs, kids.
I'm hoping it'll come to mind sometime soon..
Maybe before school gets out.
Yeah, school = sucks.
ONE MORE YEAR..
Oh --
I have to go to a funeral this Tuesday ( I think ) over in Columbia. Anyone know where I can buy a non-tacky black dress? I dunno if there is such a thing. I might pretend like I'm all angst-y and grunge, but I don't like wearing black.
.. Except the shirt I'm wearing now. It kicks thousands of asses. *flex*
I'm being very vague. Sorry -- didn't get much sleep last night.
See ya'. | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | 311 - love song | | Time: | 06:58 pm |
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| I know I need to update this more often, but I've been really busy lately. Life -- What can you do?
Happy Birthday Devin! Yes, I'd love to go to that Thai place. ;p
*eyes the Nexus icon on her desktop* Y'know.. Ever since she and I had that fight.. It's just not fun anymore.. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results | Sociability | ||||||||| | 30% | | Gregariousness | ||||||||| | 30% | | Assertiveness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Activity Level | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Excitement-Seeking | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Enthusiasm | ||||||||| | 30% | | Extroversion | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Trust | |||||| | 14% | | Morality | ||||||||| | 26% | | Altruism | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Cooperation | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Modesty | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Sympathy | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Friendliness | |||||||||||| | 36% | | Confidence | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Neatness | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Dutifulness | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Achievement | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Self-Discipline | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Cautiousness | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Orderliness | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Anxiety | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Volatility | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Depression | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Self-Consciousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Impulsiveness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Vulnerability | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Emotional Stability | |||||| | 20% | | Imagination | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Artistic Interests | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Emotionality | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Adventurousness | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Intellect | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Liberalism | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Openmindedness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | sephfire - final fantasy vii, internal affliction (oc remix) | | Time: | 03:21 pm | | Current Mood: | irate |
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| It'd be nice if people knew how to stay out of other people's business. Seriously.. I'm being ushered off to counseling soon because of something I wrote in one of my American literature papers last week. I didn't mean anything by it; I'm pretty sarcastic in my writing -- obviously -- but my teacher got her panties all up in a fucking wad because I "threatened suicide."
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SHIT IS THAT? Fucking idiot.. What the hell does she know? She has no right to do this to me -- I'm perfectly fine. Well, I WAS, now I'm really fucking pissed off. Ever since Sophomore year when I had my little "breakdown" all of my teachers have been breathing down my fucking neck, asking stupid things like, "HOW ARE YOU DOING, JULIA? NO "LAPSES"? ANY BAD THOUGHTS? ANYTHING YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST?"
NO, YOU STUPID FUCKS -- IF I WANTED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, I WOULD'VE FUCKING CAME UP TO YOU AND TOLD YOU. GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK!!!!!!!!!
J83094r7eoisdu]-09=]1ik;lwqk
.. Aside from that, Run Lola Run is a good movie. Go watch it. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| If you don't want to read my whiny complaints, don't read this post.
ANYWHO! I'm really sick of this whole "not having any time for myself" bull crap; my time's divided between family ( ironically ), my mental health, work, and school -- I've had no time for ANYTHING. I've gone out with ONE FRIEND in the past three weeks.. I'm known for being reclusive, but not this God damn bad. I'm not sleeping at all; I fell asleep in class on Monday, and my Algebra teacher was so worried that I had that he made me go home. My head's pounding. I feel like crap. I'm SICK of everyone relying on me, I'm sick of my mother being the biggest fucking drama queen ever to walk the face of the EARTH!!! -- I just want to go away somewhere quiet for a while, where no one will fucking BUG me.
Sorry for being a bad friend -- I'm pretty damn sure that's what I've been the entire month, but.. y'know, I'm not here to fulfill everyone's every needs. I have my own needs, too, and right now mine require more of my attention. I can't drop everything I'm doing for you.
AOL and 90% of the people in FFRP are getting on my nerves. Why do I even bother anymore?
I should've gone to therapy today.. I needed someone to rant to, but I needed sleep more. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | enya - may it be | | Subject: | wie geht's? | | Time: | 09:51 am | | Current Mood: | grumpy |
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| MLN wasn't as bad as I thought; fortunately, I found Alex sitting in a corner all by her lonesome, and I decided it was once again time for me to be social. We walked around, looked at the stupid presentations, and poked fun at a lot of the Spanish kids -- "OMG WE ARE TEH LEET TANGOERS!!!1!!1one -- before ditching everyone and everything for a much needed smoke break. Ranted about you-know-who for a good, long while then headed back before Findley noticed we were gone.
Yes, I need to stop smoking. I keep hearing about this tax that will raise the price of cigarettes up to four bucks a pack ( yeah, right ) BUT if that really does happen, I will quit. I don't have that kind of money, and Nexus, with it's one hundred and twenty dollar a year goodliness, is sort've eating up my reserves. Stupid Nexus; I oughtta kill Dusty for getting me into it. *shakes an angry fist*
Every time I play, I realize how much I miss her. She'll probably figure out who I'm talking about if she reads this and get mad, and I do care that she'll get mad, but.. Damn. I don't know what else I can do to make her realize how sorry I am.
I'd rant more about you-know-who, but I'd rather not waste my pseudo-breath.
No school today.. I'm going to go do something productive. */sarcasm* | | comments: 11 comments or Leave a comment |
| I can't cook.
.. if anyone reading this is planning on going to the modern language thing tonight, stay far away from the German food table and stay VERY far away from my cucumber salad. It's disgusting.
Anyone have an Advil? My head's pounding. | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | bowling for soup - drunk enough to dance - I ran | | Subject: | zzz | | Time: | 03:29 pm | | Current Mood: | tired |
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| *rubs eyes* Hnn.. Really, really tired. I think I fell asleep sometime around eleven last night after I got home from the grocery store. Ugh-- I have to make this nasty, German cucumbur salad.. thing.. for the modern language night on Thrusday; the modern language night I have to be at to earn points for my stupid German class. I figure if I get there at six, I can leave my shit and bail before anyone notices. *jive* Yay.
I'm getting really sick of all of her bull shit. I thought we were friends, but apparently I'm not cool enough to hang around with anymore or whatever.. yet she still feels the need to tell me she's pregnant and ask me to be the godmother of her ( probably ) imaginary, bastard child. *sigh* Yeah, good luck supporting a baby with what's-his-name; I sure hope that part-time job at the thrift store pays well, 'cause if not, say hello to the nice ladies at the welfare office for me. Oh yeah, have fun pushing a baby out of your sixteen year-old self. okthxbi.
I thought I was a fuck up, but all I need to do is look around this shit hole town and realize I'm infinitely better than 99% of the fucking populace. I'm a) not pregnant, b) still in high school, and c) getting help for my problems. I should get a fucking medal for being such a decent human being. Good God.
I want to kill Jeff in his sleep, but I won't be able to get away with it, so I'm hoping to move out within the next several months.. Maybe this summer when I get a nice, steady job-- I'll have a lot of time on my hands next year since I'm going partial days, so.. Yeah. I wish I trusted someone around here enough to share an apartment with them, but I don't.. 'cept maybe Rachel, but I'd drive her crazy. *snort*
Brr.. it's cold. There's still a few feet of snow on the ground -- and by ground I mean lawns -- and the sun hasn't been out since Monday. I need some sunlight before I get all depressed again; Lennis found a pattern in my "down time", apparently, and she says I'm usually a lot more manic when it's sunny than when it's cloudy and crap. Strange.. how light can effect someone's mood. *blink*
*wave* Hi to everyone I haven't talked to in a while. Sorry I don't update much.. I'm pretty busy with stuff nowadays. Many apologies~ *bow*
Gotta slip off to work. Ciao, my lovlies. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
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